So tonight, while sitting on my couch, I realized that I haven't written anything in a long time. Sure I have written cards and notes and letters, but nothing cleansing within itself just for me. I also realized I wanted a clean slate to blog, so minus the one song blog, I deleted everything that I had written. Because honestly, it was about things that sure have helped shape who I have become, but they aren't a part of me now and I don't want to hold onto those things or moments. I think sometimes we hold onto the things that happen to us in the past and it hurts our present and our future. So I deleted them.....
But back to my thoughts on our past. I think that we let our former relationships and hurts get in the way of our possible happiness in the present and the future. When things don't go right in the past, it seems that we as humans want to try to fix it with something in our present. What we don't realize is that no matter what we do now, it will never fix the pain we felt then. We will never be able to relive that relationship through anyone else but rather should just learn from it and make sure we never put ourselves in that situation again. To try to replace that relationship with one that is similar, most likely, in the end, will end the same way. And while we strive to ease our mind, we end up hurting others in the process. We hold our past hurts and loves and then use them against those that love us in the present. It becomes a cyclical cycle and the beast is then carried on. Only we can stop it. Only we can stop our pain from hurting the next person.
I had thought that I would never love again after my heart got broken back in 2005. In fact I didn't even want to give it a chance. While it was a long distance, short-lived relationship, it was the first, most real one that I had allowed myself to have. I purposely found people that could never even begin to offer a future. I didn't want to give my heart to anyone. I met him while I wasn't looking for anything or anyone and it just worked for what it was.....but it turned out to be all a lie from almost the beginning. So after it ended, I stayed away from any type of relationship. I didn't want to let anyone near me long enough to fall for them. I didn't want them to fall for me. So when someone would start to, I would walk away. Or I would once again find those who would not be able to fall for me, emotionally or otherwise. Then, my heart found home. It was the last thing I expected to find. I even tried to resist it at first, using my past as a reason to avoid it........but I failed.....my heart knew that this time, it was something I had never known and would never find again. But while finding this reality...it seems I failed to make home realize that they were home with my heart.....
But back to my thoughts on our past. I think that we let our former relationships and hurts get in the way of our possible happiness in the present and the future. When things don't go right in the past, it seems that we as humans want to try to fix it with something in our present. What we don't realize is that no matter what we do now, it will never fix the pain we felt then. We will never be able to relive that relationship through anyone else but rather should just learn from it and make sure we never put ourselves in that situation again. To try to replace that relationship with one that is similar, most likely, in the end, will end the same way. And while we strive to ease our mind, we end up hurting others in the process. We hold our past hurts and loves and then use them against those that love us in the present. It becomes a cyclical cycle and the beast is then carried on. Only we can stop it. Only we can stop our pain from hurting the next person.
I had thought that I would never love again after my heart got broken back in 2005. In fact I didn't even want to give it a chance. While it was a long distance, short-lived relationship, it was the first, most real one that I had allowed myself to have. I purposely found people that could never even begin to offer a future. I didn't want to give my heart to anyone. I met him while I wasn't looking for anything or anyone and it just worked for what it was.....but it turned out to be all a lie from almost the beginning. So after it ended, I stayed away from any type of relationship. I didn't want to let anyone near me long enough to fall for them. I didn't want them to fall for me. So when someone would start to, I would walk away. Or I would once again find those who would not be able to fall for me, emotionally or otherwise. Then, my heart found home. It was the last thing I expected to find. I even tried to resist it at first, using my past as a reason to avoid it........but I failed.....my heart knew that this time, it was something I had never known and would never find again. But while finding this reality...it seems I failed to make home realize that they were home with my heart.....
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