I have wanted to write for the past few days, but haven't been able to get myself to actually begin anything. Writing used to be such a healing force in my life. It was where I could be real and it kept me safe for no one had access to it, or if they read what I wrote, it wouldn't touch them as to the truth of the meaning. But then today, my world got rocked like it never has. My heart broke into more pieces than can be counted and all in one moment, I felt nothing. It felt as if my heart had been ripped from my body and I was just left there to deal with the aftermath. And maybe the worst part for me was that there was nothing I could do to change it or fix it. I was rendered powerless, and still closing in on almost 24 hours later, I still feel powerless. No matter how I want to fix it, to make it go back to how it was, I can't. What is worse, is that I saw it coming for a long time, but I wanted to believe that things couldn't get this bad, that there was always a dash of hope. But hope seems to have faded away. Hope is now an empty shell taunting me for what could have been.
I used to be that girl, that everyone liked. The girl that got along with everyone. I may not have been popular, I may not have had the largest group of friends, but I also had no enemies. I was someone that people knew that they could lean on. I was that girl that people thought was always happy and that life was just grand. I was the girl who could hide her hurt and her pain and very few people even knew it existed. I had a hard break-up happen when I was in charge of 25 teenage girls. I knew that my pain could never show to them. I knew that I was one of the people that they looked up to. And through our worship talks about forgiveness, etc, they were amazed that I was so strong and that I could forgive like that.What they didn't know was that I cried in my apartment where no one could see. When I went through my pregnancy as a single mom, not a single person knew what I was feeling, they just saw this well adjusted woman who was rolling with the punches. Who looked adversity in the face and kicked it's ass.
Now, as much as I try, I can't be that way. I opened my heart up and trusted fully. I accepted that love isn't perfect but I needed to fully believe in it. And I did which left me more vulnerable than I ever have been. And today I think I have felt more vulnerable than I have every felt. Without anything occurring, tears start streaming down my face. I am at work, I see a woman and I find myself having to suck the tears back in. One would think that after awhile, the tears would dry, but instead they seem to flow ever harder. But never have I been on the shitty end of someone's pure selfishness. Where one person could make a decision that ultimately ruins the lives of so many people, and some that they claim to love. Not sure what makes a person think it is ok to make decisions like that which will cause hardship on others.....that is not love but pure selfishness. And yet.....they in the end win out. They get what they intended. And are thrilled because it means I lose what I love most.
Ode to be able to feel less and show even less feeling than I felt. Life may not be better, but living each day would be easier...........
I used to be that girl, that everyone liked. The girl that got along with everyone. I may not have been popular, I may not have had the largest group of friends, but I also had no enemies. I was someone that people knew that they could lean on. I was that girl that people thought was always happy and that life was just grand. I was the girl who could hide her hurt and her pain and very few people even knew it existed. I had a hard break-up happen when I was in charge of 25 teenage girls. I knew that my pain could never show to them. I knew that I was one of the people that they looked up to. And through our worship talks about forgiveness, etc, they were amazed that I was so strong and that I could forgive like that.What they didn't know was that I cried in my apartment where no one could see. When I went through my pregnancy as a single mom, not a single person knew what I was feeling, they just saw this well adjusted woman who was rolling with the punches. Who looked adversity in the face and kicked it's ass.
Now, as much as I try, I can't be that way. I opened my heart up and trusted fully. I accepted that love isn't perfect but I needed to fully believe in it. And I did which left me more vulnerable than I ever have been. And today I think I have felt more vulnerable than I have every felt. Without anything occurring, tears start streaming down my face. I am at work, I see a woman and I find myself having to suck the tears back in. One would think that after awhile, the tears would dry, but instead they seem to flow ever harder. But never have I been on the shitty end of someone's pure selfishness. Where one person could make a decision that ultimately ruins the lives of so many people, and some that they claim to love. Not sure what makes a person think it is ok to make decisions like that which will cause hardship on others.....that is not love but pure selfishness. And yet.....they in the end win out. They get what they intended. And are thrilled because it means I lose what I love most.
Ode to be able to feel less and show even less feeling than I felt. Life may not be better, but living each day would be easier...........
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